it let me win*

it let me win last week

it gave me a beautiful time

with the love of my life

with the best of my friends

in the place where my ashes will mix with earth

*but

winning carried the weight

of terror in lurking under my bed each night

and horror’s lease on life coming up at the exact moment I returned,

details that reinforced,

that any enjoyment I’m able to wrestle from this life is truly a win,

and finding peace is not the same as having your way.